Was does it mean when you fail, big time?

Anyone who knows me knows I don't like to lose. I'm a very competitive person. Probably too competitive. I do and say a lot of things just for the sake of competing. I do it because I like a challenge and I think it makes me better. I can see how that might rub people the wrong way, but that's how I am. While I don't like to lose, I'm not a sore loser. Heck, I'm a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, so I've had my share of inconsolable losses. I like to think I take losing in the true spirit of competition: I learn a lesson and keep it for next time.

So how do I react to getting absolutely destroyed by the Quebec bar exam? I have to say I'm quite angry about it. This may come across as sour grapes, or sore losing, but I am angry not because I feel like I've failed, but because I feel like the game is rigged. I suppose that's a pretty serious thing to say, especially without proof. I don't have proof, that's for sure. I don't think that someone looked at my name, found me on the "do not pass" list, and graded my exam accordingly. No, I think that the answers I gave most likely did not correspond to the objective answer key provided by the Barreau. So how is that rigged? Well, I think that my answers, technically wrong though they may be, do not indicate my inability to practice law. Going by my results, you would think I am immoral, a poor writer, and completely ignorant of the law. I can confidently state this is not the case. As a friend who went through the same thing told me, I am in very good company. That's why I'm mad: I don't like losing, and I have not been able to figure out how to win this particular game.

I am happy to take responsibility for my actions. If I did not study enough, I could acknowledge it. Maybe I did not study enough, I don't know. I worked as hard as I ever have at anything academic. My French is good enough to understand all the legal texts, and the exams are all available in English anyway. I now have three weeks to get back on the horse, start studying again, and try a second time to pass this exam. I've scheduled several hours a day, for the various examinable topics (business law, prior claims, criminal law, law of persons, civil responsibility, civil evidence and professional responsibility). I'm studying in 15min bursts, with a 2min scheduled break every quarter hour. My high school principle, the venerable Fr. Mohan, gave me this advice. He said that 15min of attention was all the brain can handle without a break. So instead of fighting it, fading away, taking longer breaks, staring off into unproductive space, I'm going with it. Two days in, it is working well.

I don't know if this will help me pass. I don't know if I want to pass. That may sound strange, given the tone of angst of this post, but it's true. Perhaps if I were to fail again, I would be released from this legal world. I do feel a bit bound by it. I will post on that thought tomorrow, however. For now, and for the next three weeks, I'll hunker down and do my best to play the game to win. I've decided to write out my thoughts as a way of clearing out my prefrontal cortex. No, really. Check it out.