The Champ

Someone who is causing much delight on the street these days is the neighbour. Rebecca Murray, the owner of the yappy (but lovable) dog-next-door, became the Canadian savate kickboxing champ on Sunday, by thoroughly kicking the ass of one bitter but determined Anne-Laure Bouvier in three rounds of blood-spilling, contact-losing, flat-on-her-ass knocking action. The discipline known as “assaut” requires technical skill—you score points for accurate hits—less than brute force. Knowing that her opponent was jittery, insecure and ready to be easily knocked off her game, Rebecca risked two warnings for “too much power” and attacked hard and early.

The first round was close, and a few choice shots by Ms. Bouvier (hardly a name for a fighter, not like the Newfie-bred Murray) saw the Kroovy flow from Rebecca’s glass proboscis, but only because the neighbour’s nose had started to bleed before the fight. Thankfully, the judges weren’t adverse to a little mess, and between rounds, she got herself cleaned up.

In the second round, the decisive blow was struck: a boot to the gut and Bouvier was floored. Shortly thereafter, a face-shot from our hero took out the gnarled foe’s contact lense. Murray took full advantage and pummeled the little one-eyed bitch.

Sensing her shot at the title was about to miss the mark, Bouvier came out hard in the third round. Murray fought defensively, wary of a third warning for power. In the end, a majority decision handed the crown to the petite couples therapist, who after the match pronounced that all she wanted was some poutine and beer. With her nutrition regimen consisting of mostly coffee and cigarettes, it looks as though she plans to add some carbs to the mix in her run-up to the world championships in Paris. Hopefully she will be able to remain in her under 56kg weight class.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Canadian champ, Rebecca Murray of Montréal!